here just isn’t much left in me that I’m willing to give. I don’t mean to be selfish but I don’t think that’s really the reason why I’m withholding now. I want to say it has something to do with being deserving but that’s just convenient. Instead, it’s a little bit of both but a lot of neither.

There’s a third thing, as well. It’s something I’m not willing to talk or write about, something I may never be willing to reveal or discuss. I do feel bad, though, because I can see them and they want in, they want to know, not because they want the secret but because they just want to understand. There’s just no way I can fault them for wanting to understand. It would certainly ease their minds and I’m wondering if it wouldn’t ease my mind too just to have it all out there and done with.

But there’s just no way I can. Certainly not now. Certainly not after what happened and what is still happening.